Few weeks after Esther was born, Mr. and Mrs Johnson were absolutely exhausted. Each night their new born kept them awake. Mrs. Johnson suffered a tear during delivery, so she was always in pains and was placed on painkillers. The pains were too much for her that she could barely walk.
After a week of staying at home to help his wife recover, Mr. Johnson had to resume back to work.
She seems to be getting better, more so his younger brother who came visiting would be around till weekend.
So he left for work one week after staying away from his office.
While Mr. Johnson was away that Monday morning, his wife ran out of painkiller pills. Instead of calling him to inform him that the painkiller pills have finished. She asked Mr. Johnson’s younger brother to help her get more.
After two hours the boy did not return with the pills. Therefore, she spent the whole day indoor and in pains, also taking care of the new born by herself.
Mr. Johnson returned home later in the evening not knowing what the wife had suffered all day. Getting home, he met an emotional wounded wife who was ready to pour out her pains.
Her husband misunderstood what her complain was aiming at achieving. He misinterpreted all that she was saying. He felt his wife was blaming him for the pains she suffered the pills that finished and his brother went out since morning without returning with the pills.
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“How could this woman be blaming me for all these….when she could have called me to get the pills for her” were the thoughts running through his mind when his wife was verbally “attacking” him.
He went defensive. Telling her why she is at fault for how her day went. “Why didn’t you call me” was what he repeatedly told her.
She said “I told your brother, but he forgot! I have been waiting for him to return all day. I had no airtime to call him or you. Who should I have sent to get me airtime? Tell me what was I supposed to do? I can barely walk, you know that. I feel so deserted! I know that you don’t love me!
At this point, Mr. Johnson exploded. His emotional “fuse” blew off. He was so furious that the woman he took leave for was blaming him for not loving her. "How could I've done all these for her and she still accuse me of not loving her".
He was angry that she was blaming him for all that she went through while he was away. After exchanging harsh words, he headed for the door. He couldn’t stand to be insulted by a woman he was doing all he could to please and take care of.
He couldn’t tolerate any more nagging from an ungrateful wife. She was irritating him beyond what he could tolerate. Both of them had both reached their emotional limits.
Mrs. Johnson was already in tears while Mr. Johnson was ragging in anger. If care is not taken he might beat her for the first time.
Mrs. Johnson made a statement that changed the atmosphere.
She said “my husband don’t leave me in pains. This is when I need you most. I’m in pains and you want to leave me alone at home? Please, don’t walk out on me.
These statements broke his heart to the bones. He felt he was stupid and insensitive to her pains.
She continued, “Why are you a fair-weather husband?
As long as I’m calm, you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door”
At this point, her whole face was filled with tears. As her tone shifted, she said “Right now, I’m in pains. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most, please, come over here and hold me. You don’t have to say anything. Don’t blame me. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don’t go.
At that moment, he walked over to her, silently held her and began to cry too. They both wept in each other’s embrace. He started to realize the real meaning of love- unconditional love. He has always thought of himself as a loving man. But Mrs. Johnson was right. He is only loving when his wife is loving. As long as she was happy and nice, he would too. But if she was unhappy, upset or resentful, he would feel blamed and then argue or distance himself.
That day for the first time, he didn’t leave her. He stayed and it felt great to both couple. He succeeded in giving her what she wanted. Attention!
All she needed was attention, not explanation, problem, analyses, argument or blame game. But as a man, he didn’t know what touching, holding, and listening can do to an emotional exhausted wife. But by recognizing these differences he began to learn a new way of relating with his wife.
Mr. Johnson was amazed at how they could resolve their conflict so easily.
In previous months of their one year marriage, Mr. Johnson had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because he dint know what else to do. As a result of their wrong approaches their first year together had been very painful and difficult.
Until you learn how to relate with your wife as a woman, you will continue to have meaningless arguments.
Why?
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate and react to issues the way men do. Women mistakenly expect men to react to issues as a woman.
We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to “want what we want and feel the way we feel”. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. Therefore our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.
Pst Gesh
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